Brooches, Inner Tubes, and Stupid Things I Say

Sometimes I say things that are so stupid that even if I provide a context for them, no one will come to my defense. My wife takes advantage of this. If you’re wearing white pants, you shouldn’t ask how you look.

“White pants aren’t slimming.”

Everyone knows this, but it doesn’t need to be said.

“It doesn’t need to be said” is something I’ve always had trouble with, especially because I don’t think I lie very often.

My wife has recently begun wearing brooches, which I think makes her look like she’s fifty. That doesn’t mean that I should point that out. And all of her older friends love the brooches. So does my mom.

Great, enjoy your fifties.

When you’re the clean one in a relationship, you’ll often hear questions like “where are the screwdrivers?” There are correct choices for a responsible husband to choose from, and I rarely choose the right option.

For example. Spring is here, my wife has a new bicycle, and she needs extra inner tubes to take along on her first cycle of the season. Where are they?

“I have no idea.”


“How should I know?”


“I don’t know.”

Now, “I don’t know” is honest, but it might lead to trouble. I decided that it was least likely to lead to trouble. I was wrong, because it led my wife to declare that if I clean the house, I should know where things are. To which I (perhaps too quickly) replied “if you leave something where it’s not supposed to be for weeks at a time, I don’t see how you can claim to care where it is six months later.”

I’m not saying that I was wrong, or that I disagree with this argument.

But that was a stupid thing to say.


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