A Lady’s Night Out, District 9, and Redemption

Growing up, I couldn’t stand fish, so when I lived in Hong Kong I made an effort to develop a taste for seafood. I started with the occasional fish curry, but before long took the plunge and began eating sushi. It may sound like a jump, but actually sushi is a good introduction to seafood, if only because you can bury the ocean flavor in soy sauce and wasabi.

It turned out to be a worthwhile effort. My wonderful wife loves seafood and she buys us fish or shrimp for three nights a week — minimum.

I am not a naturalist, but I hope the taxonomists will forgive me for suggesting that lobster is a whole different monster compared to calamari, shrimp, or salmon. It is served with eyes and antennae, and it looks terrifying. However, I always try not to embarrass my wife, so when she took me to a lobster restaurant the night before our marriage, I ordered the special.

I was doing alright, actually. Over time, I think our taste buds change. Although I could never see the attraction of lobster as a kid and although I still couldn’t see what all the fuss was about, I made my way through the tail without butter, sauce, or complaint.

I was asking for directions on how to eat a lobster.

I was wearing a bib.

But I wasn’t an embarrassment.

Unfortunately, I’d just seen District 9. Some science fiction movies… aren’t science fiction. They should be called “hurl horror.” My first hurl horror was Aliens, which my Dad encouraged me to watch at far too young an age. I had a similarly queasy response to District 9, particularly when Wikus’ hand turned into a claw.

However, undaunted and surgeon-like, I cracked the claw and pulled out the meat. My understanding is that this is unusual, but the entire claw came out in one gigantic, hideous, flapping segment.

It flapped.

It wiggled.

And I turned green.

I didn’t hurl that night, but I didn’t finish my meal. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that my wife was embarrassed, but she was definitely concerned.

I felt like I’d failed. Would she still marry me?


Last Friday was my second chance.


I decided that redemption would start small. This time, no claws. “Surf & turf.” A lobster tail and a steak with garlic potatoes and green beans on the side.

I looked it up on the menu and everything.

Sometimes, life decides that we have not challenged ourselves sufficiently.

My wife invited me out to a seafood restaurant, but my sister-in-law would be there. So would a friend of theirs.

My wife had invited me to crash a lady’s night out.

No pressure.

“Don’t embarrass me.”

Unfortunately, it turns out that I gave the menu a “man look.” They served steak with an entire lobster. I was turning green already. To make matters worse, my wife made me explain exactly what was at stake that night to the ladies. Although I often try not to act like a typical male, I know few men who would have been capable of turning back at this point. My pride depended upon my eating an entire lobster — flapping claws included — without turning green.

Sometimes, marriage is really difficult.

Sometimes, we get a second chance.

Sometimes, we find redemption.


5 Responses to “A Lady’s Night Out, District 9, and Redemption”

  1. Oh hahahaha. That was great. I know what you mean about District 9 and lobsters. One of those critters will never pass my lips. But the flopping thing? I would have screamed, puked AND fainted. I think you held up quite well in a most manly fashion!

  2. Oh My GOD, you get the eyeroll too? ha ha ha. Your wife and my husband have the same affliction. I call it localized epilepsy of the eyelids. What if their eyes got stuck up in their head. Now that would funny. Well maybe not to them, but I think it would be!

  3. Ok. I take full responsibility. LOL

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