Kryptonite, Law & Order, and Black Holes

My wife and I do not have television — we have a TV for video games and movies, but we do not have cable, satellite, or an antenna.

I’ve heard that television is pretty good at the moment, but on the whole I’m glad that I am not living my life according to the TV Guide, however digital it has become.

Actually, that’s not the entire truth.

To be honest, I’m glad we don’t have television because it is my kryptonite, and not having access to any form of television has allowed me to keep this secret weakness from my wonderful wife. Superman struggles to save the world when kryptonite is nearby and I struggle to be a good husband when televisions are turned on.

I’m sure that, to some, keeping this weakness a secret will sound like deceit, but it was worth it.

Until recently, my wife didn’t know that although I cannot stand watching “reality” TV (unless it’s the one where Italians hilariously tease Jamie Oliver about his cooking), I am powerless to stop watching it once it’s turned on. And other shows are even worse for me.

I’ve kept this secret for more than a year, but, unfortunately, all of my plans came to naught when my wife recently remembered that we have television stored on DVD. Before we started dating, my wife was a pretty dedicated Law & Order fan, and she had accumulated quite a few seasons on DVD. Over the holiday, she dug these seasons out of their hiding places and started playing them in the background.

Duh! Duh!

What a disaster.

Law & Order might be background noise for my wife, but for me it has the psychological-gravitational-pull of a black hole. Scottie might be able to jettison and explode the core to help the Enterprise escape a black hole, but I’m on my own. I’d hoped to read a few books and play a couple video games over the break. Instead, I watched four seasons of Law & Order while my wife struggled to capture my attention.

“Can you take out the garbage?”


“Are you ready to go to the gym?”


“Do you want to exchange Christmas presents?”

*blank stare*

So I guess my secret is out: My wife now knows that I although I strive to an attentive, intelligent gentleman-husband, I am little more than a pathetic screen addict.

Thank goodness we’re already married, which, I’ve told my wife, is like a gravitational black hole from which there is no escape.


6 Responses to “Kryptonite, Law & Order, and Black Holes”

  1. I think TV might be the kyroptonite of all men… I should’ve worked “a no- television till you’re don’t helping me with the housework” clause into my marriage vows! He lost almost 20 lbs within months of discontinuing our cable television:) (Though currently… we’re into teh Black Ops trap, so… I think I prefered the television over this current game. I could enjoy then, too.)

    • Twenty pounds! Way to go!

      My wife makes fun of me because I (allegedly) make weird faces while playing video games. Weird or not, I usually can’t play video games for longer than half an hour at a time. Unlike if every episode of Law & Order is being played in the living room. Then I might as well have not gotten out of bed.

  2. Law and Order has the same effect on me…it’s useless to resist it…

  3. My weaknesses are Mythbusters (stuff blowing up), 30 Rock (smart and funny), The Walking Dead (zombies) and Mad Men (just plain cool). Everything else, I can take or leave.

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